As you all know, an important part of being a QaF fan is showing your devotion through the tried and tested method of Fanfiction. We at Mutual M bring you the all-singing all-dancing guide of how to make sure you will never, ever fail again.

Make sure you follow these rules, and before you can say 'I'm going to come!' you will have as many fans as Brian does.

1) There must be sex before the end of the second paragraph.

2) Brian must say 'oh baby, baby' at least four times

3) Justin must call Brian a 'stud' at least once, and 'honey' twice.

4) Mikey must constantly be whiny. He must pine over Brian constantly, despite being happily married, and he must hate on Justin at least once during the fic. If he masturbates over Brian, you will receive a bonus point. And please remember he must be seen, at all times, with a copy of Captain Astro.

5) Emmett must wear hot pink leopard print at least twice in different ways. He must be seen with a boa at least once. He must mention nail polish and a make over to one character and use the word 'nelly' at least three times.

6) Ted must wear so much grey he blends into the background. He must always discuss numbers in every scene he appears in. Remember to always order him vanilla pudding. If he has sex with Blake, then it will be in the missionary position, and he will shower before falling asleep. Blake will already have fallen asleep during.

7) Justin must be called Jus or Just at least once. Justin must call the character on it and tell them off for being too lazy to use his full name.

8) Justin will convince Brian to do it raw in the fic, at least once. Brian will comply, after a lot of 'umming' and 'ahhhhing'. When it happens, they will both see what heaven looks like, and they'll take two days to recover.

9) Blake must use drugs at least once. Brian must make at least 5 cruel comments on the subject matter and then go to use recreational drugs of his own.

10) Brian will shag tricks as often as possible, in as many ways as possible. He will comment on how they are never as good as Justin. Damn him.

Hot off the press, the first edition of Mutual Masturbation, your number one source for all things Queer as Folk!